Brad Pitt

Oh, Angelina.  Would you STOP doing this to me?

First of all, put on a BRA, for Godsakes!  You've had three children.  It's time.  Enough said.

While I can appreciate that this dress, if you allow your eyes to unfocus for a minute, is pretty flattering.   Cleavage?  Check.  Stems?  Check.  Teeny waist?  Check.  But the minute you squint in and really look...ugh.  It's a big ol' droopy mess until you get to the skirt.  It makes her look droopy, if you get what I'm saying, and doesn't really do much for her in the mid-section. 

But what really kills me---and seriously people, this BUGS me---is her adherence to the fleshier tones.  What is it with Brad's women?  The first wife will only, apparently, wear black (Agent Bedhead has documented this trend.  The coverage is extensive.  Like the supposed flab Jen is attempting to cover up with all that black.), and the second "partner" loves the flesh tones, even though she looks like washed-up garbage in them.  Angelina, honey, red lipstick will only save you one time in ten.  STOP THIS.  I have your coloring---I KNOW THIS.  I don't have anything else you have---obviously---but this one I KNOW.  Flesh tones are a freakin' mistake.  Beige is a mistake.  You can get away with black, yes, this is true, and I appreciate that you don't always go there, but, jeez, woman---hit up a little color once in a while.  Stop trying to blend in with nature.  There's nothing natural about a red carpet. 

And, Brad, we know you're tapping that.  Stop looking so smug.